I used to consider myself a core gamer. I would buy games and play them all night, forcing myself to beat them, no matter how much I hated them, because I guess I had something to prove to my Playstation.

Of course, with verifiable Achievements and Trophies, there’s much more at stake than there used to be. Think of it! How would I possibly deal with the unspeakable humiliation, if someone, who has way too much time on their hands, found out I didn’t beat such and such game within 10 hours? My E-Penis size would never recover.

But, that’s not me. About a year ago, I came to a conclusion that my time is way too valuable to spend sinking hours into a game that’s not engaging me. And that’s not a statement of arrogance, either. Okay, it is a statement of arrogance, but rightly so. The fact of the matter is that if you want my time, you need to earn it. I work two jobs, I’m trying to get my writing career started and I co-own two independent comic ventures. The time I reserve for video games is very, very small.

So, I need to be very discerning in what I play during that time.

Which brings me to the topic of today’s blog post: Limbo. This little arcade title dropped a couple of weeks ago and, basically, kicked me in the balls and called me “Sally”. Not because it was hard, or because it redefined anything. But, rather, because it was just THAT engaging!

Everything from the amazing monochromatic graphic design, to the unique puzzles and simplistic gameplay, this little 4-hour venture filled me with such awe, I couldn’t even believe it only cost me 15 dollars.

Wha?! You paid 15 dollars for only four hours?! That’s a rip-off!

After I finished the game, I went online to see what people said about it. A good portion of gamers had discovered the experience I had, and had nothing but good things to say about it. But, also, a good portion of gamers have reacted to the game with the opinion expressed in the line above.

Their main point is that 15 bucks is too much to pay for only 4 hours of gameplay. To this, I ask: When did we, as a group, get to the point where we measure a game’s worth, based on length? By that yardstick, every RPG would be worth way more than COD: Modern Warfare, since RPGs tend to be about 4-times longer. But, I can tell you, right now, I’ve played a crap-ton of RPGs that don’t even come close to the feeling I got when the nuke was dropped.

Their other point of dispute is that a puzzle game should never cost that much, because once you figure it out, the experience is over. Again, to this, I would ask: So? I pay 15 bucks when I go to the movies and, once the credits roll, the movie is over. That 15 dollars is no longer offering me any physical or mental stimulation.

Why are games held to a different standard?

I’ll tell you why. Because, gamers are, on the whole, dicks. They are complete and utter dicks, who spend their entire time crying for innovation, but spit in the face of the innovators, because they don’t want to pay for it. They funnel 60-dollars into the latest sequel, while games that attempt to push the bar on storytelling and experience (*cough cough* Alan Wake *cough cough*) are cast to the side, because they dared to take on a blockbuster.

What’s really funny? Those same people who skip the original title for the sequel usually head directly online to complain about how the sequel is exactly like, or worse than, its predecessor.

(Now, to be fair, there are exceptions to this. Alan Wake went up against Red Dead Redemption a game that is, admittedly, far better than its predecessor. In fact, it’s actually a better-made game than Alan Wake, even if it isn’t quite as innovative of an experience.)

And what’s even more frustrating is that companies look at these sales numbers and say “Clearly, they don’t want original IPs, they only want sequels!” And that’s what they get. And then those same gamers that chose the sequel over the innovative game will go online and complain about how all we get is sequels.

And that’s just hilarious.

I down the beer, only to realize it’s stale. Fuck. It’s past 1:00, and all the liquor stores are closed. Even Wal-Mart, despite being open 24-hours, refuses to sell booze after one. Fuck.

Why didn’t I realize I was running dangerously low on God’s precious gift? Who knows. I probably shouldn’t drink. I have to work in six hours. Fuck. Doesn’t matter. Regardless of how much sleep I get, how little I drink or even what I eat in the morning, I’ll still feel like shit. I’ll still feel as hungover as if I downed an entire fifth of vodka the night before.

I’m not complaining. Dear God, I don’t want to be a complaining blogger. But, looking over the past two paragraphs, I think I am. Fuck. I didn’t want this post to turn out this way. I just wanted to talk about drinking and how fucked up my town is, that a dude can’t get something to drink in the middle of the night.

I need to end this on a high note. Two dudes walk into a bar. It’s after 1:00. The sign says closed and the two dudes walk home, sober as hell.

Fuck.

I’m done.

Fuck it all.

I’m tired. Of everything.

Just when you announce that you’re returning to Twilight with a new novella, I get ready to blast you for sticking your fans for millions of dollars. But, then, you have to go and do something like donating a dollar of each copy sold to Haiti and Chile relief.

To anyone else… I’m not folding on my convictions. I still hate Twilight. But, this will likely amount to millions of dollars going to places that actually need it. Could she have done more? Yes. She’s richer than most other authors. But, at least she’s doing [i]something[/i].

She doesn’t have to do anything. But, she is. And I have to give props for it.

I still hate Twilight, though.

Well, it’s done it… a game has finally broken me. I hate you, Final Fantasy XIII. I hate you with the fiery passion of a thousand suns. You make me want to play Final Fantasy VIII. That is how much I hate you.

Oh, when we started out, I enjoyed you. Your battle system was (and is still) pretty fun. The graphics were pretty. And the story was passable. But, then you just had to go and fuck it up.

Enter whiniest Final Fantasy story since Final Fantasy VIII. Seriously, these characters make Squall seem like a dude that’s got it all together.

Then, you decided to make EVERYTHING a chore. When the game started out, the leveling system was the perfect blend of fight vs. benefit. Of course, 30 hours in, it’s not. And that’s to be expected. But, the shift from easy leveling up to hard leveling up is so stark, it feels like you wanted me to pay for beating the game.

The levels shifted from interesting to look at to boring, repetitive and linear. It was no longer about getting to see the next segment of story or finding my way to the next boss battle. I just wanted to get out of the level.

And the story… God, the story. I can’t even express how poorly put together this story is. With a game that is mostly cutscenes, you’d think they’d be able to tell a decent narrative. But, no… the cutscenes are literally filled with your characters whining.

The game didn’t even have a “big antagonist” to force your hate on until 20 hours in. By then, I stopped caring who was fighting who and what they were fighting about.

But, the biggest transgression… the biggest clusterfuck of the entire game is making it so that a battle is over if your main character dies. This is the biggest pile of bullshit I’ve seen in a game in a long time. And I will hate you until the end of time for it, Final Fantasy XIII.

Normally, I can find a reason to play all the way through a game, no matter how bad it is. Heck, I had a second job for close to a year of reviewing bad games. But, there is nothing in Final Fantasy XIII that makes me want to keep playing it.

Let it be known that on March 27th, 2010 after playing Final Fantasy XIII for 30-something hours, the game officially broke me. And I hate it.

(If you’re curious, I haven’t beaten the game. I don’t know how far I am from the end of the game. Honestly, I don’t give a fuck. I don’t give a fuck about Cocoon. I don’t give a fuck about Gran Pulse. I don’t give a fuck about Lightning, Snow, Hope, Vanille, Fang or Sazh. In summary, I just don’t give a fuck about Final Fantasy XIII.)

I’m playing through Final Fantasy VIII again. I haven’t played this game in 10 years, and I hated it back then. It’s weird. The premise of the game is decent, though I find the idea of teenage mercenaries a little hard to swallow.

But, it’s Japan, so you have to let a few things slide. (See Tentacle Hentai)

So, I enjoy the premise. I think the setting is great. And the game graphics might not have aged too well, but it was top of the line back in 1999. I even enjoy the story, for the most part. In fact, I can only think of one reason I hate it — the characters, or rather, a character.

Compare it to its predecessor. Final Fantasy VII is one of the greatest RPGs of all time. You had an awesome story, with fun characters. You had the Death of Aeris, which is arguably one of the most shocking moments in video game history. And you had the Materia system, which created a great balance, between physical and magic attacks.

But, above all else, you had a cool main character, with Cloud Strife. Sure, he seemed like a jerk, when he started out. But, then you realized he was doing what he was doing, for Tifa, his childhood friend. You later learned his history, and his internal conflict. Overall, Cloud was a great, dramatic character, whom you could actually care about.

Now, look at Squall Leonhart. Squall is the exact opposite of Cloud–in that he’s a jerk from the beginning of the game, and doesn’t redeem himself until you’re so freaking sick of him, you want to pop off his head and place it on a broomstick. The broomstick would probably talk more, too.

The worst part, is the rest of the characters are colorful, bubbly and fun. Sure, they don’t have what it takes to be the focus of the story, but they’re still good characters. But, there’s no actual reason for any of them to hang out with Squall. Sure, there’s some sort of weird tension between him and Quistis. And Rinoa falls in love with him, for some unknown reason.

But, Squall just turns around and attacks them, verbally, at every single turn. AND HE NEVER MAKES UP FOR IT! It’s so infuriating. Anyone who writes knows that you can actually make a very dynamic main character, who is also a jerk. House is a fine example of this. But, you’ve got to provide a reason for people to put up with the crap your character is spewing. In the case of House, you’ve got a brilliant physician, who always solves the case. If he didn’t have that, he would die alone, in his bed, with no friends. Except for Wilson. But, that guy’s crazy.

Squall, on the other hand, really has no redeeming qualities. Zell and Selphie get assigned to his squad, so they really have no choice, if they want to get paid. But, Quistis tags along. Rinoa joins up. Irvine decides he wants to go along. And there’s no reason for any of it. Squall doesn’t inspire leadership. He doesn’t really talk, except to insult them, and whine.

And I think that’s my biggest problem with Final Fantasy VIII. I really enjoy a lot about the game. I enjoy the battle system. I enjoy the visuals. I enjoy the premise. And I enjoy the story. But, it is all ruined by the most unappealing character in the history of main characters.

You might think I’m making too big of a deal about a video game that came out ten years ago and you might be right. But, I think I have a right to complain. I paid 50-dollars for this game back then. And I invested close to 50 hours, while I waited for Squall to turn cool. As a young boy of 17, it was disheartening, to say the least.

I just finished the first disc, after which Squall gets stabbed in the chest with a giant icicle. I really kind of like that ending. I may not even play the second disc, and just call that the real ending. I think I would love that.

ABC is showing A Charlie Brown Christmas tonight.
I have no doubt in my mind that it will be filled with commercials from Wal-Mart and Target…
Telling us to make new Christmas memories by buying a PS3 for our kids.
Dear Marketing Execs–have you people ever actually watched this special??

Lines, Lines and More Lines.
Car is parked, door is open.
Screw you, Black Friday.

—-It’s a haiku.