Classic fan sites. The way it used to be, you could go to Webcrawler and type in an actor or band’s name, and you’d end up with thousands of results. They were fansites. And there were millions of them.

And they all had the same pictures of whatever set against a bright colored background. The text was misspelled, but you knew it was a misspelling of love. I miss that.

Now-a-days, you don’t need a fansite to find out about Marina Sirtis. She’s got a comprehensive Wikipedia page. Everything you want to know about her, you can find there.

And band photos? Every band in the world has their own website, where they post all of the promotional shots that used to make up the fan collages. There’s no need for that either.

We lost the fansite and, because of that, we lost some of the Internet’s charm. What happened?

It’s been a few days since I updated. Let’s talk about Suikoden 2. I’ve been in a weird PS1 RPG mood lately. In what can only be considered a desire to return to the 90′s (Kiss From a Rose for the win) I’ve found myself spending hours upon hours in pseudo-3d, pixelated goodness.

A few weeks ago, I wrapped up the first Suikoden, successfully recruiting all 108 Stars, and destroying the final boss without even using my most powerful attack. On the whole, I loved it. I thought it was a great entry.

So, I went into Suikoden 2 with extreme excitement. I’d had a number of people tell me it was the height of the series, and if I loved the first one, this one was going to blow my mind. Alright, high expectations, sure.

In short, I am loving Suikoden 2, but it’s also annoying the heck out of me. See, every single location you visit, in the first 20 hours of the game, is attacked and either destroyed or occupied. At the very least, everyone you loved, within that location, is dead. Oh yeah, and you’ve been betrayed by your best friend. (Spoiler Alert: That was a spoiler.)

It’s this sort of forced angst that I used to find cool, when I was a teenager, but now I can see how transparent it is. I mean, I have real-world angst to deal with. I work 65 hours a week, yet can’t seem to pay all of my bills. No matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to get noticed within the writing world, leading me to wonder if I’m just wasting my fucking time. I have a four-year degree in a field that I want absolutely nothing to do with. I’m stuck in a small town of 20,000 people, a quarter of which are addicted to Meth. And I can’t do drugs to escape it all for a while, because if I piss hot on a random drug test, I’ll lose my primary job. And, as I’ve established, that would be a bad thing.

In light of this, a one-dimensional villain cutting a path of destruction, through a fictional world, to achieve some level of forced pathos just seems dull.

But, things are looking up for my little team. I have won some very decisive battles, recruited some awesome people, and began building a totally rad castle, called the “Radical Castle”. Yes, indeedy, “Francis” and the “Awesome Army” are well on their way to saving the world from the one-dimensional villain.

On a side note, more games should totally let me name things. I come up with the best names.

The ApologetiX! They’re a Christian parody band that has spent the past 20 years releasing albums full of secular songs rewritten with Christian lyrics. This shit is amazing.

I’m not even being sarcastic here. I mean every word. And I’ll tell you why… because it takes some real stones to rewrite Paradise City by GnR as Verynice City, and manage to do that with a straight face.

I’ve got mad respect for that. Go ApologetiX–keep doing what you’re doing. I can’t wait for the new record.

Sometimes, when I think about how I want to die, I imagine a scene at sunset, myself lying on the roof of some skyscraper, in some random city. I can’t even think straight, my mind shot from countless amounts of booze. And as I turn to my right, I see a girl in my arms–a girl who’s more gorgeous than I remember from the previous night. She looks me in the eyes and says “You don’t deserve me,” and I know she’s right.

Resigning myself to a perfect experience, I close my eyes and shift into darkness.

For the past two days, my iPod has been stuck on Sam’s Town by The Killers. I don’t even know why. But, there are some pretty tight grooves on this album. And the melody lines are dang catchy.

So, I’m playing Final Fantasy XIII. And I’m hating it. More on that later. I want to talk about the main character, Lightning. Everyone made a big deal about how Lightning is the first female primary protagonist in the Final Fantasy series. And, I actually got a little excited to see how well a Japanese company could handle this.

(Not to get all bigoty here, but Japan is a country that’s not real well known for pushing equality for women. See: Cooking Mama.)

So, I sit and I play it. And I’m absolutely hating Lightning. She is everything I dislike about Cloud, Squall and Tidus wrapped into one package, to which they then attached boobs.

So, in summation… Yes, I think Square handled a female protagonist as well as any of their male protagonists. They’re all whiny, overly-emotional and annoying.

Score one for feminism!

Jerry Springer is hosting a new dating show on Game Show Network.
You know this is just a chance for him to find guests for his other show.
You know, the one that pays him a ka-billion dollars a year.
Let us glimpse into a likely scenario…

Dude: I believe in free love and not being tied down to one woman!
Chick: I was raised to be a good girl with traditional values.
Jerry: And how do you guys think the date went?
Dude and Chick: Great! We really think we can make this work.
Jerry: That’s great to hear. Now, I have this other show that I think you two would be perfect for. Here’s my card.

Jerry Springer, I officially call SHENANIGANS!!!

On NBC’s new show-which is a remake of a BBC show-celebrities go on a quest to research their family tree and find out “who the really are”. Yeah, blah blah blah. Famous people doing stupid shit. I got it.

My favorite part of this show is the idea that they meet ordinary people (Like you and me!!!) to whom they’re distantly related. Here’s how I think those conversations will probably go…

Famous Person: Hey, we’re related!
Ordinary Person: Really? That’s awesome! I’ve seen you on TV!
Famous Person: I know. I’m really famous. Crazy, huh?
Ordinary Person: Totally. Can I borrow five bucks?

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again… Morrissey could sing the phone book and make me want to shoot myself.

That being said, The Smiths were an absolutely incredible band.

Okay, so I was in the video store Friday night renting Heavy Rain.
And I find copies of Final Fantasy XIII on the shelves.
What luck, I think. This game doesn’t come out for five or six days.
Could I be so lucky?
So, I picked up a copy and approached the counter, my palms sweaty with anxiety.

“Ah, Final Fantasy XIII,” the clerk says to me. “This should be a good one.”
I smile and nod, refusing to say anything, for fear I might jinx my good fortune.
“Oh,” he says, despondent. He calls over another clerk, who looks at the computer.
“I guess we can’t rent this out until Tuesday,” the first clerk says.
“We should probably take these off the shelves,” the second replies.
He leaves to do so.

“Sorry,” he says to me, taking the copy of FFXIII behind the counter.
“It’s alright,” I answer. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

As I leave the store, the full weight of what just happened comes down on me.
Human Error set this game on the shelf five days early.
But, the computer caught Human Error and set it right.

People, Skynet is here.