I got dumped a few months ago. By now, I’ve gotten over it. But, I was pretty devastated at the time. I’m not even sure why. It’s not as if I hadn’t seen the end of a relationship before. But, this time, it knocked me down and kicked me in the gut.
I feel sorry for my friends most of all. They had to put up with me moping around for a few weeks, bitching about this and that. I’m sorry, guys. You shouldn’t have had to deal with that shit.
I think the problem was that I got way too invested in the relationship. I had spent the first 27 years of my life without any real aspirations to settle down. I liked being single, and I still had decades to find that special someone. I was in no hurry. But, last summer, that changed. Something broke inside of me and I decided that I’m ready. I wasn’t about to just go out and ask the first girl I saw to marry me. Though, thinking back, that would have been awesome. I was just ready to stop messing around in relationships and start examining each one to see if there’s a future.
This last relationship was the first I had been in since that decision. And I honestly thought there was a future there. We loved to talk to each other, and even three months in, we could still lose track of time and end up embroiled deep in conversation well into the early morning hours. I thought that was what you looked for, so I gripped onto that friendship-first concept and pushed it forward.
I truly thought she might be the one.
Up until that point, I don’t think I’ve ever been in love. And even after she dumped me, I tried to convince myself that I wasn’t actually in love with her. But, looking back, I think that was bullshit. Clearly, I felt something for this girl beyond the normal “dating” shit that had existed within all of my previous relationships. I think it was actually ‘love’.
I could be wrong, though. Hell, I don’t know.
So, when it ended, it hit me really, really hard. And I think I ended up feeling pretty foolish, looking back on it. Of course, they say that love makes you do foolish things. And I think that described me to a ‘T’.
I remember talking to my mother about it, not long after it ended. We were eating Mexican food–a sort of tradition when my dad’s out of town–and I was talking about the break-up. I was convinced that this girl was going to change her mind. I was convinced that it was only a matter of time and we would be back together.
God, I was an idiot. Needless to say, she never changed her mind. We aren’t together now. We said we would end it amicably and still “stay in contact”. But, I think we both knew how stupid that was as well. Aside from a couple of birthday texts, I’ve barely talked to her–and she to me.
I’ve long since gotten over her and I like to think I’ve returned to my normal self. But, I don’t think I have. I don’t think you can go through that and come out the other side the same person you were. I think something changes inside of you–and I think something’s changed inside of me. Nothing major–I mean, I don’t walk around cutting myself or anything. But, there’s definitely something different in my outlook on relationships.
I haven’t given up on finding ‘the one’. Though, the first time I asked a girl out, after the breakup, was probably even harder than the first time I even asked a girl out. She said ‘no’, by the way. She was married, apparently. Or gay. I don’t know. One of the two.
I don’t know why I’m writing all of this. I don’t really have an overarching point to this post. It’s just something I’ve been thinking about lately. This is the first time I’ve really talked about it since it happened. I wish I could say that I’ve learned from the experience, but I don’t think I have.
I think it’s just something that everyone has to experience every now and then.
I’d like to say that next time it happens, I’ll be able to anticipate it, but I don’t I will. So, I apologize for any future whiny posts about broken relationships and shit like that.
After all, I haven’t found her yet. But, I never will, if I don’t keep looking. And failure is just a part of that…