Suicide List

I’ve been depressed lately. I’d like to think that it’s the inner writer in me coming to the surface, bringing enough emotion to write the next big thing. But, the reality is that I’m just fucking sick of my life. I hate where I am right now, but I can’t afford to bring change. I can’t do shit about it, but sit here and take it, hoping something goes my way in the future.

I’ve never truly thought about suicide. I know that’s not an answer. But, I can see myself heading down that path, if things continue as they have. So, in the interest of safety, I’ve composed a suicide list. It’s similar to a bucket list, but the latter implies old age. Nah, this list is comprised of things I intend to do in my life, and I won’t pop myself in the head until I’ve accomplished them.

It’s for safety’s sake…

1. I want to travel the country. I’ve lived an incredibly sheltered life. I need to change that. I’ve never been the West Coast. I’ve never been out of the country. I spent a few days in New York City about a month ago, and that’s the first time in about a year that I’ve even left my fucking state. Before I drink poison, I want to visit all four corners of the country and see at least the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone.

2. I want to travel the world. As mentioned above, I’ve never been out of this country. That needs to change. Before I hang myself, I want to backpack through Europe, drink cheap tequila in Mexico and, even, take a stop in Canada and butcher the French language.

3. I want to write a book that will immortalize me. If I’m going to slit my wrists, I want to be sure I’m leaving behind a legacy, something to state that I made my mark on this world.

4. I want to have said book featured on Oprah’s book club and when she invites me on TV, I’ll wear a belly shirt and refuse to sit on the couch, lest I catch the “Tom Cruises”. Before I throw myself off a cliff, I want that to happen.

5. I want to have 1,000,000 followers on Twitter, so I can fulfill my lifelong dream of telling 1,000,000 people “fuck you” at the exact same time. If this happens, I can happily overdose on whatever different medicines I have in the cabinet at that given time.

I understand these five things are quite lofty goals, but that’s kind of the point. As long as I haven’t checked off these five things, I will always have something to live for. And that? That’s just insurance, baby.

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