Green and gray walls are like a prison. They fold into me, trapping me. Claustrophobic short breaths escape as I realize I’m stuck. No way to leave. No where to go. This is my life and, likely, will be for many years.
I wonder if I’m good enough. My eyes sting from staring at white screens on a DELL computer monitor. I feel the onset of tears, not from depression or sadness, but my eyes natural defense, trying to combat dry, allergy-inflicted eyes. I rub them, but it only makes them worse.
I fucked up bad yesterday. I set one of my Supervisors back two weeks in her work. It was such a stupid mistake as most mistakes are. I don’t know where my head is. Maybe I’m becoming complacent and lazy. Maybe I’ve finally accepted that green and gray walls will be my eternal prison. And, because of that, I’ve resigned myself to a life of mediocrity and half-jobs.
Maybe, I’m bored. I’ve been in this job for 18 months, doing the exact same thing day after day, week after week, month after month. Maybe, the life mundane is finally catching up with me, and pushing me down.
My greatest fear is apathy. I hate the idea that I’ve settled, never caring enough to push on. Because, when that happens, these green and gray walls will be my prison. I’ll bounce around positions, maybe take a higher one. But, these walls will always be there, closing in on me, trapping me.
God. I need a drink.