Okay, so I was in the video store Friday night renting Heavy Rain.
And I find copies of Final Fantasy XIII on the shelves.
What luck, I think. This game doesn’t come out for five or six days.
Could I be so lucky?
So, I picked up a copy and approached the counter, my palms sweaty with anxiety.

“Ah, Final Fantasy XIII,” the clerk says to me. “This should be a good one.”
I smile and nod, refusing to say anything, for fear I might jinx my good fortune.
“Oh,” he says, despondent. He calls over another clerk, who looks at the computer.
“I guess we can’t rent this out until Tuesday,” the first clerk says.
“We should probably take these off the shelves,” the second replies.
He leaves to do so.

“Sorry,” he says to me, taking the copy of FFXIII behind the counter.
“It’s alright,” I answer. “I knew it was too good to be true.”

As I leave the store, the full weight of what just happened comes down on me.
Human Error set this game on the shelf five days early.
But, the computer caught Human Error and set it right.

People, Skynet is here.

Is it me or are the Bollywood posters sometimes better?

Check it…

Sure. It’s cool. Rather descriptive, I suppose. But, check out the Bollywood version.

Man, that guy’s getting ready to punch God. That’s hilarious.

Dear Girl Scout, who brought Peanut Butter Patties to my work,

Thank you for the Peanut Butter Patties. They were delicious.

Your friend,
Chris.

–

Dear Employee, upon whose desk the Peanut Butter Patties sat,

I wish I could show remorse for stealing your Peanut Butter Patties. But, I’m not even sorry. Not even one bit. They were delicious.

Caio,
Chris.

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I believe Totino’s Combination Party Pizza is the worst thing to see coming back up. Seriously, there looks to be about seven different colors.

How do they ever find time to sell newspapers when they spend all of their time singing and dancing?

“Objection!” I screamed.
“On what grounds?”
“The prosecution is a doo-doo head!”

Sadly, one year of elementary school did little to prepare me for defending myself in court.

Dear Diary,

Well, I can’t take it anymore. That little bastard in green ruined me. I’ve been obsessing. I lost my job, because of it. Lucinda dumped me, because I lost my job. My life is a freaking joke.

On a brighter note, I got a great deal on a length of rope from the local hardware store. Should hang from the eaves of my ceiling real nice. And the noose will be one of quality, of course. Nothing but the best…

Whelp, it’s been fun diary. But, I gotta go. I’ve got important things to do.

Dear Diary,

I can’t believe it! Some kid in green tights just ran into my house and broke all of my pots. Then, he took all of my money. It was the money I was saving to ask Lucinda to marry me! What a little bastard!

Dear Diary,

I finally have enough money to marry Lucinda! I will be the happiest man in the world. I will ask her to marry me next week, when we meet under the moonlight.

I have stored my entire life savings in pots around the house. They should be safe there.